From Chasing Dreams to Embracing the Mundane
If life is all about the journey, what's wrong with wearing rainbow colored glasses and enjoying the ride? Anyone who has reached a goal will tell you that the desires do not end there. There is always more to go after. What if you have pursued everything that you thought you wanted only to find that life is there, full of the ups and downs, and always ending in death? What if the experiences you go through will happen, regardless of what you choose to do with your life, because your soul needs to learn the lesson? If you knew certain challenges that test the core of your being showed up in your life regardless of the situation and circumstances, would you stay on the same path or choose something different?
When I came to Sint Maarten, I had the thickest pair of rainbow colored glasses on, and I certainly felt I had reached a point of accomplishment. Somehow, having an opportunity like the one I had meant that I was on the sure path to success. What I have realized is that my idea of success was a collection of images of what success to me looked like. Living in a tropical paradise was one of the images. I suppose this idea was planted by what I had seen on the television and the media. It feels ridiculous to think of it that way. As embarrassing as it is to admit, it’s more important that I share with you it is not the reality. I have heard from too many people that think like I once did. I am living the dream, they say. I understand because that’s what I once thought.
What I have learned is our experiences are caused by the laws of attraction based on the energy we carry. Moving locations never changed that. One of my biggest hurdles was feeling worthy enough for the experiences coming into my life. When I came here, nearly 5 years ago now, even though I had been painting for a few years and working as an art teacher, I could not see myself as and artist. I felt like an imposter. I had the opportunity to work as an artist and sell art immediately upon my arrival, but I chose to believe that I would have to do something more to prove myself. Why would people want to buy art from me? I am not a ‘local artist’. I see now, that I could have had a completely different outcome had I kept the rainbow colored glasses on.
It’s the hardships and emotional turmoil that makes those colors fade into what we call reality. Financial troubles, illness and deaths of loved ones, power struggles and heartbreak come in and make you see things in a new light. Such burdens are bound to show up as they are a part of life. If we could see all of them clearly, would we still go after our dreams? It is easy for people to say no to opportunities because of the possible ‘negative’ outcomes that could occur. It’s easier to stay on the path that feels comfortable.
We are all made differently, each one of us with a unique energetic imprint that experiences the world around us through a different perception than others. What I have learned over the past 5 years though is that I am a much simpler person than the dreams I have chased after. The ideas I had about what my life would look like once I was happy is far from what actually brings me joy. To do something I enjoy for work has come down to realizing that it is the task at hand, and how I am physically living my day to day which brings me much more satisfaction than the idea of whatever dream I had about my life. Embracing a mundane life is far more enjoyable than chasing after big dreams. This is not to deter anyone from pursuing their dreams, as I hope more people do go after what they want. I hope it offers a new way to approach life, experiencing more joy during the day to day, rather than feeling a void because you haven’t reached a goal yet.
An example I like to share is my first dream job to become an actress. I remember asking one of my acting teachers, long ago, if he thought I had what it takes to ‘make it’.. Then I was young and naive, thinking that to be a successful actress would mean that I would have to be a famous movie star, idolizing people like Sandra Bullock from a young age. I didn’t know there were so many other avenues to go on in that career path. I am happy that I listened and understood him when he explained that ‘making it’ is whatever we wanted it to be. He explained that he had made it by becoming a college acting professor because it gave him the opportunity to be creative and do all of the things he enjoyed within the theatre. As I pursued acting after college, I learned what it was about acting I liked, and did not like. The thing I love about acting is the playing and pretending with the truth of the moment, but I wanted to avoid the inevitable rejection that comes with the nature of the business.
My first hurdle was learning how to be my authentic self in the moment despite what others may think. There are parts of my personality that are loud and expressive. Those parts had been shut down as I grew up. Those parts of me were not accepted. Over these past years I have been forced to let the truth come out more. Staying silent will kill you inside. In many ways I felt like an actor in real life because some people only get to see a certain version of me, while others may see a next version of me, but is the people who are closest to me that have seen all the versions of me. Some people will tell you that I am a sweet, kind-hearted and loving person. Others will tell you I am crazy and that my words can come off harsh. The people who know me well may say I am a mixture of all of those things and more. To be comfortable showing all the versions of myself to the world without fear of repercussions from anyone is the sweetest feeling in the world.
What keeps parts of myself hidden is based on my survival. If I work for an employer I have to keep a certain face to uphold the image of the company. If I don’t meet their standard I will lose my job, and my means of survival. I have learned in the greatest hardships that God will provide you with what you need, but it may not be comfortable. I no longer believe in chasing after a specific career goal as a dream. My dream is to simply be my authentic self, and work as opportunities come into my life, with the ability to navigate through any hidden agendas that come along with it. Chasing a single career goal such as becoming a professional actor would never leave me satisfied, but if I could incorporate what I love about acting in my everyday experience, I would live a more joyful day to day life. It’s not about pretending to be someone else, acting is about truth.
To chase one goal of becoming an actor in someone else’s story would never leave me satisfied. Part of the process is going on unpaid auditions and statistically, getting rejected without it having anything to do with your work ethic. There are many perspectives on this and I say it not to down play those who are putting in the work to build a dream for themselves. Anytime you are working for yourself, regardless of what the dream may be, you have to put in work that does not give an immediate pay out. For me, I do hold on to other career goals and am willing to put in the work without immediate payment, but going through the audition process in hopes to get a paid gig as my means for survival was not one of them. At the time of me walking away from my acting class and auditioning all together, I had found much satisfaction in my work as an art instructor and substitute teaching.
My perception has changed since I redirected my career to painting and teaching, especially since my move to the island. It wasn’t the work alone that caused my shifts in perception, it was the relationships I have had since, both in my personal and professional life. I had to learn that I could say yes or no to an opportunity based on what I valued verses what I thought would get me to my goal. Pursing a career as an artist doesn’t mean that I would take any paint job that comes to me. I used to have a mindset of take what I can get. Now I take what feels right.
Sometimes the decision you make doesn’t look like the right choice based on what the goal is, especially from other people’s perspective. When I was pursuing acting, I went on auditions I wasn’t excited about because I thought that was what I had to do to be a working actor. One of the paid acting gigs I had was working with some lawyers, recording a confession from someone else. I honestly don’t know what they were doing with it. It wasn’t fun though. The environment was stiff. It was weird. It paid $100 dollars for just a few hours work which wasn’t bad, but there are other things I could do with my time that feel more meaningful, and will compensate fairly.
On the other hand, as an artist I have learned that I have had to say no to exciting opportunities because they did not compensate enough. The thought of painting a big beautiful mural on a blank wall would be a lot of fun! It also takes a lot of time and effort and certainly cannot be done on an empty belly. There will be people that try to take advantage of the other, whether they realize it or not. Many people seem to believe that because I am a painter, it means that I love doing it so much that I would do it for free, or very cheap. I have taken on jobs where I got in over my head and did not like the situation I was in. I spent over a month working on a mural for little pay compared to the effort. I have spent days painting hats to another artists designs because it paid, only to realize that it was no different than working at a corporation, with the ones at the top making the big bucks, while the workers were simply fulfilling tasks to get them there.
To be an actress, or an artist, or whatever career path you choose, there are always going to be certain energies to work through, forcing you to see what it is that you value. It made me realize that whatever I was doing, needed to cover my means to live, and that I could perform many tasks with satisfaction and the happiness came when it would also cover my expenses. Without it, I felt exploited. I have become stubborn with what I will accept as work now. I no longer do commissions without a down payment and a set price that ensures my time will not be wasted. I would never paint a large mural on the side of a building for free, simply for ‘exposure’. Having faith in a Divine source and trusting who you are is essential. Opportunities will come and go, but staying true to myself keeps me whole.
Experiencing hardships through the transitions of my life has given me the courage to say no to opportunities, because at the end of the day I know that I will survive without them. Nobody can take advantage of me anymore. I have let people take advantage of me because I wanted to believe the best outcome, those are the rainbow colored glasses. When I take them off though, life does not excite me. I would advise people to keep the rainbow colored glasses on and believe the best outcomes, but peep through the side to see things clearly for a moment to ensure you can see the full spectrum. Have a firm grasp of what you value and do not let people take advantage of your talents, no matter what they are. If the opportunity is a good match, it will work out.