A Creative Mind Tells Stories

I discovered the remedy to sort out my thoughts through a practice called ‘Morning Pages’, a technique from The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron. Therein the 12-week program is a daily ‘mind dump’ by writing three pages, non-stop first thing in the morning; stream of consciousness style. Writing everything that comes to mind: the good, the bad and everywhere in-between. It is a great way to clear the mind chatter, and focus on what is important.

It was easy to fill up 8 to 10 pages in the morning when I began. I liked writing, however I have struggled with the direction. Over the years I have written a lot, published some (only on my personal websites), and then deleted them all until now. A lot of change. Prior to writing blogs for the sake of sharing my opinion, and before I painted, I liked writing stories. I was pushed to write and create my own films by one of my coaches at The Actor’s Lab in Pennsylvania. Bryan Fox, a happily retired L.A. based actor and gifted teacher encouraged everyone to create their own work, while playing the game of becoming a working actor.

It was good for me because sometimes the mind chatter sounds like dialogue. I write it down and make characters. A friend once asked me if any of the scripts that I wrote for film were fiction or based on real life. I said it was complicated to answer. Of course they were fiction, however, while the characters were fictional, their dialogue is from me. It is a way for me to express an opinion that could be valid. As someone with an open mind for different perspectives, questioning them as well as expressing them could be channeled through one or multiple characters.

The stage is a safe place to express a story, and the world is our stage. We are the characters. The best characters are the ones that are relatable and authentic. Characters are used to share opinions, question beliefs, and express different points of view about life.

I am a day dreamer, easily able to get lost in my own thoughts for hours. At times, it’s unhealthy. The body and brain respond. Things can be confusing as I often have to remind myself to come back to reality and the story that was playing in my mind was only imaginary. Other times, my ability to play out scenarios is useful for planning. Being creative is an ability everyone has, however, everyone will express their creativity in a way unique to them.  It’s easy to understand a person’s point of view if you hear their story. 

When I went to therapy, she asked if I had ‘racing thoughts’.. I thought about it. I compared it more to constantly changing the radio stations playing in my mind. I listen to a song I kind of like for a minute as I sing along with it, and then I can easily get tired and switch the channel.. which is something I do while driving as well. At the time, we used medication to help with many ‘symptoms’, as she told me when she gave me a diagnosis of bipolar type 2, not to focus on the illness, but the symptoms. I used mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medication for over a year. Ultimately I prefer no medication and I continue to write.

It doesn’t ‘cure’ me, however, it is one of the many ways I use to deal with the symptoms. As much as I reject the idea of mental illness, which is a topic I could speak about in more length, the natural remedies to help with the condition have proven to me that the concept is useful, even though I do not necessarily believe in ‘mental disorders’. As with any health condition, as humanity progresses, we will see that it is not our minds that are mad, it is the structures of our life, which were not designed by the current collective. Eventually our structures will shift, and the so-called symptoms of these common ‘mental disorders’ will not seem like problems, rather they would be characteristics of our personality for which we are to find the proper lifestyle that suits our energy.

Creativity is a natural human characteristic everyone has. While painting is a wonderful creative outlet, I find it difficult to make great artwork while my mind is running. In the beginning, painting was easy. My mind was calm. I was focused on mixing colors to create new ones and watching the strokes of my brush leave their mark on the canvas. It was easy for me to spend the entire day painting. I am grateful for that time in my life when I was able to complete my first ‘collection’... of course I didn’t think of them as that at the time. I was making paintings, playing with different techniques, and trying to get better with each one.

I continued painting as I worked as an art instructor at Painting with a Twist, and learned a lot while working alongside some fantastic artists. When I moved to Sint Maarten I was creating abstract pieces, however, I was excited to start working on my favorite seascapes and sunrises inspired by the beautiful island. The work opportunity was with a foundation and I was supposed to be an art teacher, helping a friend. I did not think of myself as an artist. Having a creative mind can be a hindrance when the thoughts coming from it are not helpful. For example, I told myself that my art wouldn’t sell here, or I would look like I was trying to be a ‘local artist’. I had just moved from the US, I was nothing more than a substitute teacher and sip and paint instructor. I felt like an imposter. The artist who invited me to come work encouraged me to sell my art, and gave me all the help she could. I was ignorant as to what it would actually take to become a successful artist.

Aside from the desire to be creative, is the desire for human connection. I have attempted making paintings like the ones I created before, in my home studio and I found that I can only spend a few hours on something before I feel anxious, eager to go out into the world and be among other humans, interacting, sharing ideas, and going about my day

I was on the beach displaying my art one day and someone was ordering from the waiter. Here in Sint Maarten, you can rent chairs on the beach and order food from the restaurant directly from a server working the beach. It’s fabulous!

Anyway, the gentleman was asking for them to take out certain items and make some alterations. He was kind about it, and didn’t think he was being difficult. I stood by smiling as I watched the server maintain a kind and professional manner as the man continued to question all the alternative possibilities to a dish listed on the menu. I couldn’t contain myself as I smiled and asked the man where he was from. My assumption was America and I was wrong. It was Canada. The man caught on to what I was insinuating and we all shared a laugh.

Fortunatley both the man and the waiter had a sense of humor and didn’t shun me for expressing my unwarranted opinion. Even though I try not to make special requests for fear of seeming difficult, it doesn’t mean other people can’t make special requests. 

It wasn’t my place to interject, but I couldn’t help myself that day. In Sint Maarten, most people do not make special requests like they do in the states.. The people here are friendly though, and they take the hospitality and service industry seriously, so they will try to accommodate if they can. Everyone is entitled to have opinions and share theirs when they feel called to do so. Everyone has the right to request people to make special accommodations for them. 

The mind can be a wonderful place to roam but easy to get lost. I was taught to follow my heart, and it has led me on a path I never believed was possible for a girl like me. The saying is true, even when life presents you with everything you thought you desired, the grass is greener where you water it. It was my curiosity that lead me to explore the other side and then a continuous battle between my heart leading me in one direction and my mind leading me in another.

The call to move to Sint Maarten went against all rational logic. I was so amazed how quickly my life changed, and my pre-rogrammed mind wasn’t allowing me to fully embrace the gift I was given. Rather than accepting myself as a new artist to the island, I saw myself as an impostor. Obviously awkward, and always blending in with the tourist crowd, I told myself in time I would not look like a tourist forever. I laugh as I still get mistaken for a tourist by the same people after three years. I have learned to embrace how I look, and dress in what is comfortable for me based on how I will be spending my day. 

Island life is a much slower pace than the United States, and manners are far more important than speed. It reminds me everyday to be sure I go out in the world with a positive attitude and be willing to slow down and pay attention to the people around me. If God created all of us and God is within us all, then everyone in our lives are from God, even though the interactions may seem unpleasant. 

I remember that this journey of life is not supposed to be rainbows and butterflies everyday. Storms are meant to happen, it is a part of nature to reshape the structure of the Earth, which is a living organism. As the Earth vibrates higher, all things including ourselves are meant to vibrate higher. What does not will fall away, and die off with the rest of the Old Earth, as the New Earth emerges. 

We are in between ages of Pisces, going into Aquariaus and humanity is shifting into a new consciousness. Pisces is about duality, above and below, the Earthly World and the Spirit World. Heaven and Hell. God and the Devil. Good and Evil. Aquarian energy is about harmony and unity, whereas an individual is free to be unique, and humanity can coexist in the same world despite our differences, as we expand consciously toward a common goal: survival. 

Aside from that is the introduction to new individuals in humanity. We can see the expansion starting now with the gender issues. As much controversy as this concept introduces to the collective, it is no doubt meant to be, as we move forward and learn to accept there are ‘others’ among us. 

I can’t predict the future that I will see, but I suspect as time moves on, even us humans, would be classified differently based on certain characteristics. Perhaps even humans, like dogs, would be categorized by breed, as if we haven’t proven in the past that we are capable of treating each other like animals. 

I easily get lost as my mind wonders about all of the possibilities of the future. It was my wondering mind and the uncertainty I felt about my life direction that landed me into the situation that I am in now. It is hard to trust myself when the world around me keeps pushing me into a direction that feels so foreign, and scary, yet part of me says to try it, and see where it leads me. I know God has my back. I am stronger now, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. I trust in my ability to heal myself and pick back up, moving forward. 

To some of those who do not know me, it looks like I keep going in circles, making the same mistakes. I follow my heart and I trust God’s path for me. The painful experiences expose another vulnerability I was afraid of dealing with, how strong I am to remain in my power when I see it,  and show me a little more of what is truly important to me. 

One thing I discovered was that my desire to live a simple life, free from unnecessary stress and conflict, and living by my own rules, outweighs my desire to try making it in one particular career field. The desire to be creative and express myself is not defined by other things like career and romance, although they can coexist. They may also interfere. I am grateful to have the time, freedom, and ability to create as I desire, and I appreciate the support I receive in my life to be able to do so. 

I find myself now in a position where I feel alone, and some of my closest relationships have been affected by the choices I have made. As I ride the waves of my life from day to day, my words and actions haven’t aligned. It is understandable if the people who love and care about me the most, have expressed concern. I don’t regret anything I have experienced because it made me stronger. I have witnessed things I didn’t think I could live through and I surprised myself with how well I handled it. I am not perfect, but I make the promise to myself to be more honest about my expectations and boundaries with people as I go forward. 

It is scary to expose your authenticity to the world. I was a little rebellious as a teenager and these days, I feel like my old teenage self, without parental control. Regardless of my stupid choices, the rules don’t always make sense. Sometimes it is the inner rebellion pushing me forward on my path. I don’t look for trouble and I accept my past and all my mistakes. I love myself regardless because God loves me regardless. I am finished comparing my life to what life was expected of me and I am embracing each gift I have, every day, because right now, I have a lot to be grateful for. 

A creative mind has a lot of potential when it believes in the right story. My story is not over I am excited for the road ahead and as I transition into a new, more practical way of life. The more reality sets in, the things that I now spend so much time stressing over will be of minor significance. The story of my life has become clear, and that is that the stories in my head are meant to be expressed, not always believed. I am here now and I am prepared to let go as God is in control. 

I have spent enough time alone working on unfinished projects to know that, while I will always take the time to work on my hobbies, the connections I share with other people is far more important. People are meant to interact, share ideas for collaboration, and learn from each other. I find a lot of meaning in the small  interactions throughout the day as we each carry on with our business.