Like Training a Dog to Find God

It has been over one month since I came back to the U.S. from Sint Maarten along with the one remaining pet I have out of three, my pit-bull Honey. I have had a lot of time to reflect on the decisions I made, not only a month ago, but over the course of my life, and especially my decision to move to Sint Maarten in the first place. It was a job opportunity, and one I would not take without bringing my three pets with me. It was August of 2019 when I made the move, first bringing Honey, and my beloved cat, Stormie, who had been with me since 2008. A few months later I flew back to the US to take another haul with me, bringing the third pet, a fearless orange tabby cat named Oscar. God rest Stormie and Oscar whose bodies were buried on the beach of Great Bay as they have both traveled over the rainbow bridge. 

It was not easy to get Honey to Sint Maarten, and perhaps I should have questioned the rules a little more and the implications about where I was going, however, I can act like a stubborn rebel at times. People commended me for bringing my animals with me, as so many people are forced to leave pets behind when they move. To judge as good or bad, however, is not our place. I look back now and see how selfish it was of me to take my pets from their home. They had everything they needed. A big house with stairs and lots of furniture to jump on. A fenced in back yard that allowed them to roam and roll in the grass safely and secure, away from the many predators.. For a decision I made for my own experience. An opportunity I did not spend much time looking into. The excitement and overwhelm was enough for me to do what had to be done before my move. 

Despite a code of not allowing pit bulls in Sint Maarten, one that I found a loop hole around by resting on the fact I had a ‘mental illness’ which required an emotional support animal, there is no shortage of vicious dogs in Sint Maarten. Any place I went I could hear them howling as others squealed, as another fight took place. Ironically, it was a pack of vicious dogs, who took my first fur baby, Oscar. This was a few years after my move however, and there were things I could have done to change the fate of their life. To understand that there is no place that you can go to to seek out happiness other than within is an understatement. You cannot move to another location and find what you are looking for if not first going within. 

As if losing Oscar was not my first clue to how the consequences of my decisions would ultimately change my world, watching Stormie’s health slowly deteriorate over the past year has been heart wrenching. First, it it was watching the tumors grow so large the one started to bleed. The only treatment would have been to put her to sleep and surgically remove it. Something the vets did not recommend due to her old age. Other options were not available in Sint Maarten. I mended it as I could and watch her slowly lose her energy this past summer. 

I remember it was early this year I questioned everything I was doing, and why I was still even there. Missing opportunities I could see were not available where I was, and most importantly, missing out on family time. When my grandmother passed this summer and I so desperately wanted to come back to the US, and I realized that staying there in the state of mind I was in would never allow me to reach the financial freedom of traveling as I wished. I had asked my brother to come help me bring her and Honey back to the US so I could attend the funeral. I realized too, this was selfish, and knew that my grandmother who had passed would understand, and that funerals are for the people still living. My family knew my situation and surely would understand. My mother offered to purchase a ticket for me to which I hesitated to decline as I wouldn’t be able to take my fur babies, and I wasn’t going to leave them. 

I had too many fears about leaving them behing on island while I travel to the main land. If you research bringing your pet to Sint Maarten, you will find it is pet friendly because it is relatively easy to bring your pets there. It is also known as “The Friendly Island’ due to the culture of the people who live there. What I have learned is that the environment I live in is simply made up by my beliefs and the actions I take. I believed in God at the time of my move, as I proudly claimed it was He who would provide my way. My understanding of life has developed exponentially since. There were times I lost my faith. I couldn’t understand why life was showing up for me the way it was. I certainly didn’t deserve it I thought, but I understand now it wasn’t about what I deserved or did not, it was simply all a consequence. I now have no other choice that will satisfy my soul except to accept that Jesus Christ is my savior. God showed me the way, and it was not always pretty or comfortable to say the least. Like a wild dog that needed training, I had to come to terms with how I was existing in the world and change my ways. 

I sit here now so grateful for everything because I can see how beautifully life unfolds, and that with vision, and determination, and of course, trust in God, anything is possible. I understand now, I was never put on this Earth to become any of the things I aspired to be, I was put here to be myself, and take inspired action through God’s will. It’s only natural that I express myself as I go through life’s inevitable changes. Sure, it’s great to be liked on social media. The feeling of creating a post that resonates with others somehow brings a sense of satisfaction. We are communal creatures and this part of being human is natural. 

However, I cannot do things for the gratification of simply being liked without greater cause. Naturally, I attribute this to my Leo Stellium in the 11th house, but what does that even mean to non-astrology folks? Nobody requires astrology to live their life fully in God’s will. You do not even need to believe in God to be a part of His Divine plan. I understand I don’t have to convince anyone to believe anything anymore. The only person I ever needed to save was myself. I have learned to love myself fully, regardless if it is viewed as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and trusting in Jesus Christ helps me. God truly has me in his cradle and nobody, nobody can take that from me. I am finally free. I can be me.

To simply be, though, and not act.. well, it's not wrong. As it turns out there is no right and wrong in God’s eyes. I have learned, though, He will give nudges, inspiration that comes through as an idea that invokes excitement. Sometimes they are big ideas, and we have to trust that God will support us in making them happen. The problem comes when other people chime in with their opinions about it.. or it could be the programming already in the mind built up from voices of the past, leaving you with thoughts of discouragement that elude your entire plan. 

Going back to the mental illness I mentioned in the beginning, I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2, 13 years ago, but I am certain now if I went to a doctor and told them my ‘symptoms’ I could be classified as type 1, which basically means that I had never had any long lasting ‘manic episodes’ or ‘psychotic states’ of ‘hallucinations’ and if you are not that familiar with labels in the field of psychology and the characteristics that would qualify one to be assigned to this category, I can explain what it means to me, which is far from what is believed by the professionals who invented this language.

Being bipolar is being blessed with vivid inspirations and insights from God which intensely excite the person, who often gets discouraged from following through on their ideas by the world around them. Neglecting to take the inspired action they were meant to, which leaves them in the depths of depression. Often the devil works in disguise and even comes in the form of a caring loved one, unbeknownst to them, and not necessarily with ill-intention. Rather than follow their intuition and internal knowing, they fall victim to the words and actions of others. You never know what someone is going through, and with worried loved ones, often concerns and care are coming from a place of fear, which is not meant to be bad, however, it is not out of a loving, trusting in the Divine, type of place, so it will not align with insights that are coming from the loving Divine.

A well seasoned astrologer looked at my natal chart once and told me I was blessed, and validated that life has not been easy for me. I believe she attributed this to the harsh squares against Saturn with most of my personal planets and the helpful trines from Neptune and Uranus. What was once described as being too sensitive and emotional by others, I now understand as a characteristic of being an Empath, which isn’t necessarily a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ thing, but I attribute it to my chart ruler placement of Venus.

In the grand scheme of things, psychology and astrology are both studies that use labels. I think both fields are able to provide benefits or can be damaging. As with anything in the world, everything is intention. I prefer using astrology when I do readings with people over psychology, as it has been around longer and has had less damaging effects on people. In the past century, for example, doctors simply removed part of a patient's brain by performing a lobotomy in an effort to make the patient well. Although some people heavily scrutinize Astrology, and claim to be works of the Devil, I wonder what they would say about Psychology. 

I had to come to terms over the past year that the effects of astrology have not always helped me for the best. At first it was a tool for self-reflection which I benefited from greatly. It helped me to identify many blind spots and become self-aware. However, listening to some of the astrologers, and through no bad intentions of their own, the predictions and descriptions regarding upcoming transitions often left me feeling anxious and even more boxed into a state of fear. Their voices commanded my actions as I was aimlessly existing, looking for my next bit of relief, which I found by treating myself to the usual herbal supplements, albeit it was an overdose, and not ingested in a healthy manner. Finally, I figured out that if I just trusted in God and my intuition to lead me through my days, rather than being consumed by the thoughts I had, I would have had a bit more success. 

The current moment is all that exists. (See Eckart Tolle). I come to understand that everything in the past and future exists in the mind. This is why, I conclude, that we who are ‘bipolar’ feel an intense excitement and overwhelming joy for our plans about the future. When we start to worry that we will not be supported we feel anxiety, and when we dwell on the past of missed opportunities, fall into depression. 

It’s not the path I choose. I want to act. I must do all the things I have been nudged over the years to do.. now I do not have to be afraid. Before I was afraid of raising awareness, for speaking up for a cause… I realized I have become too aware.. worried about what people think. I have learned those are only the judgments I have against myself. That I would somehow only be standing up for a cause in an effort to benefit myself.. and I have come to terms with the fact that it very much would benefit myself. God gives us ideas that will bring us joy and serve His Divine Plan. I cannot be anybody but myself, wholeheartedly, living each day fully for God, and sharing my thoughts and ideas, serious or silly, bitter and sweet.. All of it is me, and through God and Jesus Christ, I can stop living in fear.